So I'm a total fraud. I never went to journalism school but I somehow just cracked the major leagues by publishing two articles in Rolling Stone. My first was a hard-hitting exposé of sports mascot abuse. The second was a hard-hitting sexposé of American campus porn scandals. For that one, Rolling Stone flew me to Santa Barbara where they paid me to watch porn stars have sex with young drunk college students.

Fun, huh? Don't you wish you were me? Ha! My whole life is in shambles. I'm an unemployed newlywed freelancer who owes $30,000 on six swollen credit cards and an obese line of credit. I used to be athletic but now I sit so much, my knees are in constant crippling agony. I've got osteo-arthritis in my right kneecap, so I had to quit playing hockey (my favourite sport and lone source of exercise). We have no house, no savings, no dental, no dog. My only assets are a bag of rotting hockey equipment and a rust-red '89 Chevy Cavalier.

I need life guidance, fast. After 10 years of writing unsold screenplays and articles for magazines that are 'free to good homes', I'm finally on the verge of my dream job: frequent contributor to the magazine that made Hunter S. Thompson a drug-addled superstar. But the timing is terrible: I'm working 70 hours a week at copywriting, just to manage my debts. I'm also stalled on two script rewrites, and my over-achieving co-writer keeps phoning from Australia to try and guilt me into action.

I feel trapped in a savage cycle: I'm working too much to cash in on my Rolling Stone opportunity, let alone finish the script (for no money) so I can plunge further into debt by mailing it to Hollywood agents. With all these projects circling my In Box, it's like I need an Air Traffic Controller to manage my stressful loner life.

The other night, I was moaning to a friend about how I've never had a mentor. All my journalist friends can call their old profs for advice," I noted. "And all my filmmaker friends have Executive Producers who support them and get them money to make their features. How come I constantly have to go it alone?"

"You need a career coach," said my friend, "one of those goal-oriented shrinks who kicks your schedule into shape so you can sell 3% more widgets." I rolled my eyes so she added, "I'm serious, Ken. Coaching's hot. It's the new black. They say if you're not getting coached, then you're not getting ahead."

My eyes narrowed. "I hate coaches. When we were kids, coaches were the last people you'd go to for help." When I was six, my Pup hockey coach would split our team in two and line us up on either side of the rink. He'd blow the whistle, then we had to skate as hard as we could at the opposing player. At centre ice, we'd crash together in an explosion of legs, arms, and wee whimpering mouths.

Coaching didn't get any better by the time I was a teen. At 17, I played on the Kamloops Juvenile Rep hockey squad. My coach, who we nicknamed 'Socko', was a former Junior goon who called us pussies every time we lost (which was constantly). One night before playing Kelowna (the best team in the league), Socko came up with a cunning pre-game plan: he forced us to hold hands with him and the entire team. He gave a rousing pep-talk as we squirmed like the dozen small-town virgins we were. When he finally said we could let go, we weakly cheered "Kamloops" then trudged out to get boot-stomped 13-0. We never held hands again.

But despite my life-long aversion to coaches, 'personal growth' coaching is quickly becoming the career of the decade. According to the International Coach Federation (ICF), it's a total growth career. There are now 20,000 full-time coaches worldwide, three-quarters of whom work in the United States. The Washington Post reports there are now 6,000 coaches in the International Coach Federation, up from 1,500 just three years ago. By my calculations, Earth's population is 6.332 billion and doubles every 43 years. So if both rates remain the same, in 31 years everyone will be a coach.

You can't swing a cat in a Starbucks anymore without hitting somebody raving on about their career coach. Check out these testimonials for coaches employed by infamous motivational guru, Anthony Robbins:

"The strategies we developed together are win-win. I went from a local player in my company to a national position that put me out in front of the competition in my career field in less than a year."

- Trudy K. Suits
National Director for Corporate Marketing

"My Coach taught me to take small steps, achieve small successes and build on them. I did and as of yesterday I was able to pay my 'impossible' tax debt. Results Coaching is a blessing and a gift and one I am grateful for everyday."

- Janice Weinman
Florida

Granted, Trudy and Janice sound like brainwashed cult fanatics. But they sound happier than I do...and what if they speak the truth? Maybe a Tony Robbins' style career coach could empower me with "the training, focus, and accountability [I] need to achieve the results [I] demand - far faster than [I] may have ever dreamed possible"! Unfortunately, Janice's cult coach is expensive: a whopping $3,240 US for three 30-minute phone calls over six months.

So I started Googling for affordable coaching options. My first hit was Bob Larson Ministries [www.boblarson.org], run from post office boxes in Calgary and Denver. Bob offers a Personal Coaching Program so you can "Find the Person God Meant You to Be!" for just $199 a week. He gives you an "individually-tailored" program to "uncover aspects of your life that are holding you back, things you never dreamed of."

Bob promises to "personally pray over your Profile [so] God will reveal to him the keys to your freedom." Just a little more cash buys you a "special Intervention Intensive Program with Bob Larson's direct, personal involvement in your life." Creepy, maybe, but you can't deny those anonymous Web site testimonials: "I like the accountability. I know Bob will be calling, and I need to be spiritually ready!"

Bob sure sounds like a helluva guy. But since I'm a rabid atheist (and fundamentalists keep confusing my last name with 'Heathen'), I decided to keep searching for my perfect coaching mentor. The next one that caught my eye was Peta Heskell, a London-based personal coach. She teaches coaching and "personal growth" workshops over the telephone and via e-books sold on her online Flirting Academy [www.flirtzone.com)]. To "Activate Your Attraction Power," you can also take Peta's Charisma Weekend and her Florida Flirtopia.

'Flirt your way to financial prosperity' is an attractive coaching premise. So I called the Flirting Academy, and tried sweet-talking the receptionist into a year's worth of free coaching workshops. I said I loved what she was wearing and that I'd like to buy her three reasonably-priced drinks. She hung up before I could promise to make her a movie star. Damn.

I was about to call off my search for a coach, when I discovered Lyran Productions that offer "Personal coaching for creative lives & careers." Lyran is run by an acquaintance, Sara McIntyre, who also produces films. After I'd staggered for weeks across a frigid Internet tundra littered with preachers, grifters, and flirters, her web site, http://www.lyranproductions.com, had the inviting feeling of a warm cabin with a crackling fire, comfy rocking chair, and a glass of 12-year-old scotch on the rocks.

Unlike most executive coaches that I found, Sara comes from a strong creative background. She's been a producer, casting director, singer, actor, and audition coach. Sara co-created the Alibi Unplugged script readings, was on the board of Women in Film & Video Vancouver, and is a voting member of the Academy of Canadian Cinema and Television.

I liked her background, because the last thing I need is a coach who has no idea what it's like to be a struggling writer. Unlike those 9-5 jobs that offer routine work and steady paycheques, writing a saleable script is like crafting your own winning lottery ticket out of extremely fragile glass. Then, to cash in your glass ticket, you have to sprint through a field of landmines while people chuck hand grenades at your face. Sara understands this and will hopefully jump on some of those grenades for me.

As for her coaching education, Sara's a graduate of the Co-Active Coaching Program run by the Coaches Training Institute. Reminding myself to keep my flirting to a minimum, I asked Sara if she'd like to be my personal coach for a month. She agreed and suggested we meet for a Design Session to set goals "for our coaching relationship."

Over a soothing cup of tea, Sara calmly explained how our confidential relationship would work. The principles of her coaching are Balance (how you manage your life), Process (how to be "in the moment" because "what you resist, persists"), and Fulfillment (how you define and celebrate your successes).

The day before I'd sent her my Design Session preparation form, which asked me tough questions like: "What behaviours/beliefs stand in the way of you achieving professional success and having a life you really love?" My sad response: "I feel crushed by debt and it's killing my creativity. I'm desperate for (and swamped by) work, when I should be mailing my Rolling Stone articles and scripts to agents, to capitalize on my recent momentum. I'm frustrated that I haven't directed my first feature film. 'My friends have all done it...why am I so slow?'"

Sara asked me to visualize myself 20 years in the future. "You're onstage facing a large crowd. They're waiting for you to say something. You grab the microphone and ..." [then I visualized] "I just premiered my latest and funniest film at Cannes. The audience was moved to tears because of its frequently heartbreaking truths. My movie made people realize we could be better and happier humans if we embraced the humour in our suffering." [Kinda pompous, sure, but it's my visualization and you can cry if I want to.]

Sara then asked for my "Life Purpose Statement." Being Canadian, I wasn't aware I even had a purpose. But according to Sara, "everybody has a purpose." I told her my dream jobs include writing exciting screenplays, directing Oscar-winning films, writing government-toppling travel articles, hosting a funny yet titillating TV series, and curing the blind with the wonderful prose in my upcoming Great Canadian Novels That Don't Completely Suck.

I finally boiled these dreams down to one 'essential' purpose: 'I am a funny Yoda who collides ideas together to give people exciting new truths'. Sara smiled: "Ken, this is your reason for being here." Next, she wanted to hear the values behind one of my "peak experiences." I chose the night I emailed the last draft of my mascot article to my Rolling Stone editor. Grinning like a kid, I poured myself some Southern Comfort, then flopped on the couch to watch ALMOST FAMOUS, that heartwarming film about the teenage rock journalist. As I bathed in the boozy glow of a job well done, I thought, "It's official, Ken Hegan. You are now Almost Almost Famous."

Sara asked me to describe the essence of what made that experience so thrilling. Other than the booze, I guessed: Rarefied Air, International Scale, Story, and Great Opportunities. As I rambled about how giddy I felt to be writing for my favourite magazine, Sara took these notes:

Rarefied Air: "Strive for purity of story; climb highest career summit; exhilaration; stand on mountain top and see great writers like David Sedaris and P.J. O'Rourke on the tops of their peaks; I put my time in to get to Rolling Stone; didn't just arrive"

Story: "Between humans at the right time; want to give people a great ride; make their eyes pop open"

Great Opportunities: "Ones I generate myself or are offered to me; want to work with the very best; capture the 'genius ideas'; stories that are great for me"

International Scale: "America, UK, Australia; want cultural elite to say 'We want to work with you'; travel everywhere; I want to be the bride" [Note: I have no idea what I meant by this]

Then Sara said "together we will establish goals and measurable outcomes for our engagement." She asked me to write three goals for our coaching sessions, and how I intended to accomplish each goal. I start scribbling and came up with:

Goal #1:
"Identify and contact the professional relationships I want to make."

To accomplish this I will:
-Find contact info for 15 people like Steven Soderbergh, director of OCEAN'S ELEVEN [Executive Producer for script?]
-Each week, write and send off five new pitches to magazine editors

Goal #2:
"Complete strong rewrite of my romantic comedy script for sale in L.A."

To accomplish this I will:
-Minimum three hours of writing, Monday to Friday
-Email my co-writer to brainstorm plot fixes

Goal #3:
"Go to physio, yoga, fix knees. Keep weekends free of all work."

To accomplish this I will:
-Stick to my daytime writing schedule

We wrapped up our coaching Design Session by scheduling four 30-minute calls. Every Thursday at 12:30 p.m. SHARP, I had to send her my Coaching Call Preparation Form, then call with an update on my progress towards being a balanced fulfilled Yoda.

COACHING CALL PREPARATION FORM

Call date: October 2nd

Debrief of first meeting:
I had a great first session with you. I felt positive and inspired afterwards, and I immediately started to act on my primary three goals.

How has my week been?
My week's been awesome and I feel in The Zone today. Rolling Stone offered me my third article and they're flying me to Toronto to cover the international Rock Paper Scissors championships.

What action did I take since our last session? What were my wins/challenges?
Signed up for physio. Investigated yoga nearby. Told my wife that I'm going to be efficient so I can stop working on weekends.

What do I have to report? What do I want to be held accountable for?
Was also offered a 4-part series in the National Post about my efforts to get out of debt. Ironically, they offered me a pathetic 35 cents per word. For the work I'd have to do, the column will be like eating lettuce. Cuz it takes more energy to eat the lettuce than the food value you get from eating lettuce. I need the money badly, so I asked them to pay me double. They paid me double. Now I'm all puff-chested and happy. Just high-fived myself in the mirror.

What issues do I want to deepen on our call today? What are the challenges, concerns, achievements, or areas of learning to be addressed?
I'm pleased to get this new writing work but if I don't stay organized, I'll have another stress freak-out (suffered three major freak-outs already this year). Because of my teaching at the Vancouver Film School, I didn't write three hours on my script each morning. I'm a naughty boy.

I talked for 20 minutes straight as Sara calmly listened to my grins and gripes. Then I admitted feeling guilty about hogging the conversation. She said not to worry because she has her own coach. I was relieved to hear that, then changed the subject back to me. So she asked how I'd manage my time better to avoid another stress freak-out. Thanks to her gentle coaxing, I emailed her this list:

In today's call we agreed that I would:

-I will not take on any new work for two months because I am booked to the teats.
-I will map out my schedule on a wall map
-I will stop drinking during weeknights
-I will exercise
-I will celebrate my successes
-I will stop doing hits for the Mafia. Toooooooo busy. [Note: I slipped this one in, just to see if she was paying attention]

She emailed back:

Dear Ken:

One of my functions as a coach can also be Scapegoat. If anyone gives you heat for not drinking, go ahead and blame your coach!

Too bad about the Mob though, I hear they pay well. But if the schedule doesn't permit and the work doesn't honour your Values, then good call cancelling that gig.

If you want to check in about anything before our next call, feel free.

I believe in you!!

S

COACHING CALL PREPARATION FORM

Call date: October 9th

How has my week been?
Sucked. Car was side-swiped by a drunk. Banged my melon. Went to Emergency. Headache no fun. Pain hurts. Also: submitted my final wedding-sponsorship column for Van Mag. Proud of it. Some hack 'comedy' writer at a film fest party told a buddy I was overrated and unfunny. But instead of getting bitter, I got busy. Polished the article like a gem.

What action did I take since our last session? What were my wins/challenges?
Exercising daily and going to physio twice a week. As a result, my knees no longer hurt! Hooray! Next challenges: sticking to my writing schedule. I didn't fully subscribe to my plan NOT TO DRINK during the week. But I'm not beating myself up over it. Someone famous once said, "Don't beat yourself up. There's plenty of people lined up to do that for you."

What issues do I want to deepen on our call today? What are the challenges, concerns, achievements, or areas of learning to be addressed?
Still haven't put up a wall calendar with my deadline schedule. Freaked about debts. Badly need money pipeline for next 12 months. How do writers survive? I've abused my credit cards so badly, two cards refuse to scan anymore and my MasterCard just broke itself in half.

Sara asked if I learned anything from the crash. I replied that the accident made me appreciate how precious my life is with my wife: "The crash wasn't my fault, but a good reminder not to rush to destinations. Finishing my writing on time and then arriving early makes me relaxed and willing to talk to people (instead of viewing people as the annoying obstacles they are)."

I hear a seagull squawk on her end of the phone. "Man," I thought, "Sara could be anywhere in the world. Is she kicking back on some tropical beach? Giggling over my lame powder-blue-collar problems? What if she's spying on me from across the street! What if she secretly works for Bob Larson Ministries! I bet she's praying over my "Profile" and designing a "special Intervention" for me RIGHT NOW!"

Sara interrupted my monkey-brain-chatter by giving me homework: "This week I want you to play in the space of being early and aware. See what life is like when you're in that space. Surround yourself with the colour green that represents that feeling of being happily early and aware and open to new ideas."

I thank her, then send this email:

Hi Sara,

Fantastic call! OK, I will buy green plants and hang them in my office. This will remind me to stay happy and focussed on my big goals:

1) Find writing gigs to get out of debt

2) I will also stop taking on hired assassin jobs for the CIA in South America. The CIA sweet-talks me every assassination season and it's time I said No and meant it.

Beers,

I.M. Ken

Sara responded:

Dear Ken:

Your enthusiasm for creating a balanced life is inspiring! Thank you for taking this coaching to heart and making the most of it.

If the CIA offers are tempting on some level, perhaps they're addressing values that are not being looked after in other areas of your life. We can take a look during our next call if you like and figure out what's really at the bottom of the conflict.

Stay green!

Sara

COACHING CALL PREPARATION FORM

Call date: October 16th

How am I, today, right now?
Stressed about the workload piled up in my home office. Ravaged by a cold brought on by nervous exhaustion. Successfully played hockey (no knee pain, yay). But I'm getting bogged down with worry about multiple writing deadlines. Plus I worry that our script storyline is SO current, that my rewrite delays will hurt our chance of selling it.

What issues do I want to deepen on our call today? What are the challenges, concerns, achievements, or areas of learning to be addressed?
This is big: I want to stop being so intense about every single moment and activity in my life. I watch movies with intensity. Empty the dishwasher with intensity. I'll even ignore my wife if she asks me a question while I'm intensely folding clothes.

Sara talked to me about how to manage my intensity. She said, "Intensity makes you good at your writing, right? So some intensity equals success. But your total home-office intensity is not healthy. You need fresh perspectives. Let's try something."

She gets me to stand at my office door and look at the sprawling paperwork on my floor: chaotic piles of notes to myself, multiple story drafts, dozens of my articles that I haven't sent to editors yet. "This is THE MESS viewpoint," said Sara.

Then she asked me to find another viewpoint. So I laid down for THE SIDEWAYS ON THE HALL FLOOR VIEW OF MY MESS. I told her it felt playful, like when I was a happy kid. "I see fun photos on my corkboard. I can see my bar fridge. Hey, I should plug that in and have a beer to reward myself after a good day's writing work." Sara said, "Not during the week, pal."

So she asked me to find another relaxing sightline. I jogged into the bedroom for THE VIEW FROM MY FREE SPONSORED WEDDING BED. I said, "Now I can't see my mess at all. This is an oasis. I don't bring work in here. And this bed is a happy reward for my writing."

Then she asked me to go back in my office and find THE CREATIVE VIEW OF MY MESS. "Look at your mess and say 'This is what successful writers' offices look like.'" So I did it, and realized, "Hey, my couch is green and comfortable like the wall paint. I'm already surrounded by green! I can take naps here between writing shifts! I'll bring in healthy plants! Let's make this a work oasis! I'll put up posters that inspire me (but not something dumb like that dangling cat poster that says 'Hang In There, Baby')."

Sara's just about to hang up when I said, "Oooo! How about this: my office door is a checkpoint. Each time I pass this checkpoint, I'll make a "Vroohm" sound as if I'm passing through a bio-medical scanner. When I leave my office, the scanner cleanses me of work stress. Therefore, my stress won't spill out into the rest of the apartment. Yay!"

COACHING CALL PREPARATION FORM

Call date: October 23rd

How has my week been?
Well that plan didn't take long to fall apart. I'm self-employed -- and my boss is a slave-driver. Haven't had a day off in THREE WEEKS. And Rolling Stone imposed an insane deadline. Instead of two weeks, they're giving me only 1.5 DAYS to write my Rock Paper Scissors story. Brutal.

What do I want to be held accountable for?
Got so stressed out, I yelled at my wife for spending 20 bucks on a shirt. She yelled back. I storm into my office, shouting "Vroohm" as I passed the door frame. She laughed at me which made me blow my top. Then I blubbered like a schoolgirl. About money. About working too hard. About feeling guilty I'm not more gentle on myself and my bride. I told her I wished was six-years-old. She stroked my head, and said, "But didn't you hate being six? Your coach forced you to skate at the bigger kids, even though he knew you would get creamed?" I wiped away a tear, then said, "That coach was better than I thought. He was preparing me for REALITY."

What action did I take since our last session?
After that breakdown, I wiped up my tears and snot, then finished all four of my National Post articles, marked my students' papers, wrapped up my copywriting, and bought a laptop to finish my Rolling Stone article on the plane (my editor loved it and he's boosting it from one page to two!). I also finished my screenplay rewrite, pitched it to a few Hollywood agencies, and get this: Hugh Grant's agent just asked me to send her the script!

What else?
Best of all: I TOOK A DAY OFF. I worked out, framed a copy of my first ever Rolling Stone cheque, bought orchids for my wife, cooked dinner, gave her a Happy 92-Day Anniversary card, and made plans for a romantic getaway.

As I read this to Sara, I realized something else. Something big for me: "Sara, I started this coaching thing by thinking my most important goal was buying email addresses of 15 people who could advance my career. But now I realize that's my least important goal. The REAL goal, the one that matters most to me and the love of my life, and the ONLY way I'll reach that rarefied mountain air, is this: I have to get me one of those 'Hang In There Baby' cat posters."

"Because if I can't hang in there, if I don't stay healthy, if I drive myself to a heart attack at 40, then I might as well tear up the contract I just made with my new wife. Because when we said "I do," we were agreeing to grow old together." Sara said, "Wow. Ken, it's been an honour to help you." As our time ran out, I thanked Sara profusely for turning my life around.

Weeks later now. I'm home alone. It's cold, raining, and my work stress is piling up. I miss my coach. Then I get this terrific email:

Hey Ken,

Keep living your life purpose - you are a funny Yoda who shares exciting new truths! The world needs you.

Please keep me updated on your successes so I can celebrate with you, I know they'll be many and wonderful. You are a brilliant person for this planet to have.

Love,

Sara

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