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It's finally official: I just turned 38, which means I've been wretchedly poor for TWO ENTIRE DECADES. My soul-crushing midden of debt has outlasted four presidents, five Canadian prime ministers, and 23 ex-girlfriends who consistently make wayyyyy more money than me.

For years I dreamt I'd marry a wealthy older Sugar Mommy like Anna Nicole Smith. But I always held back, partly out of insecurity and partly because I wanted to wait until Anna's really old or really sick. Eventually I fell in love with someone who is just as broke as me.

Now I'm on the cusp of middle age, freshly married, and eating only Mr. Noodle and whatever else my dog Kyle drags home. But then this morning, as I lay depressed on the threadbare carpet, ignoring Kyle's pleas to be walked, my buddy emailed me a press release. It's from a local outfit called the Better Mousetrap People, who claim they've won an award for an invention called the Dog Buddy exerciser. It's designed to "keep dogs moving and playing, even while alone or in small yards."

What a great idea! Suddenly I leapt to my feet and scribbled down:

HOW TO TURN MY LIFE AROUND!!

1. I will invent something that makes me filthy rich overnight!
2. This invention should make me famous by tomorrow afternoon [plus I want everyone who uses it to be truly grateful and yet shake their fists and mutter "Grrrrrr!" with impotent rage because they didn't think of it first]

And why not? Look at all the plucky inventors who went from starving zero to celebrity hero. In 1866, a Swedish nobody named Alfred Nobel risked everything to invent a powerful explosive (during the experimental phase, he even blew up his younger brother, Emil). Alfred eventually perfected his nitroglycerin concoction, called it "Dynamite!" and became mega-rich and famous.

Granted, Alfred Nobel was no one trick pony; he registered 355 patents during his lifetime. And consider Benjamin Franklin whose inventions include Daylight Savings, the odometer, bifocal glasses, fire insurance, and the flexible urinary catheter. Now, if these guys could conjure up that many inventions during their shorter 18th & 19th Century lifespans, how hard could it be for me to invent just one thingamabob with my longer Niacin-fortified life?

According to Statistics.com, W. Michael Cox of the Dallas Federal Reserve Bank claims that inventions are increasing. He notes that between 1900 to 1950, about 18,000 U.S. patents were issued, yet from 1950 to 2000, over 100,000 patents were issued. Plus the incubation time for successful inventions has sped up, too. Here's how long it took these gadgets to reach 25% of the U.S. population:

Automobile: 55 years
Telephone: 35 years
Television: 26 years
Personal Computer: 16 years
Cell Phone: 13 years

Nowadays, thanks to so many advances in modern science, any spage age halfwit can invent a telephone, steam engine, cotton gin, or computer virus. Hell, I’ve invented those in my sleep and sometimes while making love. The hardest part of inventing, however, is coming up with a NEW invention – something that’s demonstrably never been invented before, and (as Emil Nobel would no doubt recommend) preferably something that works.

When it comes to calculating the probability of inventing something nobody has EVER thought of before ON THE ENTIRE KNOWN PLANET, during the ENTIRE HISTORY OF HUMANKIND INVENTORS, there are two schools of thought. The Optimistic school, lead by author Jonathan Swift, believes that "Discovery consists of seeing what everybody has seen and thinking what nobody else has thought." So according to Swift, if I keep my mind open to discovering an obvious truth, I might have a chance at coming up with the Next Big Obscenely Profitable Gizmo.

The Pessimistic school is exemplified by Charles H. Duell, former Commissioner of the U.S. Office of Patents. Wizened and thoughtful, Mr. Duell took a last look at the patent applications in his In Box, sighed, then said "Everything that can be invented has been invented." [Note: I found Mr. Duell's quote on the World Wide Web, a handy thingamajig invented about 80 years after he croaked.]

So I'm choosing optimism. Hell, I've always been a can-do kind of guy. When I was five, I invented a new method of counting that started at zero instead of one. My teacher, Mr. Miller, declared me "a genius" and tried to convince my Dad to bump me up a grade. Dad refused on the grounds that the big kids would skin me alive and crush my bones into paste. I stayed in First Grade, my counting invention never caught on, and I've been horrendously poor ever since.

Back in the '90s, I had an idea for a gadget that deletes phone messages that you quickly regret leaving. I invented it one Saturday when I had a date to watch videos at a woman's apartment. She asked me to call her before coming so we could plan what food I should bring. But when she still wasn't home after three hours (and as I started to leave my third phone message), I realized, too late, that she’d dumped me in absentia.

So my great invention would delete your unwanted phone messages (via an encrypted Web program) before the other party returned home to hear them. Pretty cool, huh? I called it BackTrak(TM) and I imagine the slick TV pitchman winking to the camera and saying, "Fight back with BackTrak(TM) because There’s No Call for That!"). I also have a similar invention for deleting your late-night drunken emails and booty-texts.

Sadly, there's one critical flaw in all my inventions: they're not actually inventions. They're ideas for inventions. Notions. Schemes, even. That's another reason why inventing stuff is so hard in the new millennium: you actually have to invent stuff.

Great. So not only do I have to invent something "original" that nobody has EVER thought up before ON THE ENTIRE KNOWN PLANET, during the ENTIRE HISTORY OF HUMANKIND, I also need to invent a THREE-DIMENSIONAL OBJECT for consumers to see, hear, touch, smell, taste, and buy. Inventing's hard, man.

I sit down to brainstorm a new doohickey. Three weeks flew by, and nothing comes to me except a Visa bill which I pay with my Amex, and an Amex bill which I pay with my Visa. Mostly, I just Google around, posting bulletin board messages to invite local inventors to commiserate with me over beers.

Nobody responds. On the Inventing in Canada web site: http://www.inventors.ca
I find a long list of seminars and support groups for inventors, but their social calendar is months out of date, and some 'events' date back years. Maybe Chuck Duell was right. Perhaps everything has been invented, and all that's left for wannabe inventors is fond memories of how they used to get together for drinks to reminisce about 'all the great inventions of olde.'

But then I dig up that Dog Buddy press release from the Better Mousetrap People and make a beeline to their Web site: http://www.thetrap.com
It claims they are "the fastest integrated product development company in North America. Our seamless process includes patent searches, product design, sourcing, manufacturing, packaging, product publicity and strategic selling programs. We ensure complete confidentiality, reliability and speed to market. No other product development company is more efficient."

When I call for a list of their clients, their VP of Media & Communications, Jennifer Hove, says "we don’t really deal with inventors anymore." According to Jennifer, BMP’s primary new focus is developing "exciting" new crafts & hobby products like fancy Page Markers and Picture Holders for the "booming American scrapbooking market." Zzzzzz.

However Jennifer agrees to send me a long list of their invention launches that includes:

The Ultra Jamb Reinforcer:
An indestructible steel plate that reinforces screen doors
http://www.ultrajamb.com

The Mobile Tray:
The only "go anywhere" paint tray
http://www.mobiletray.com

Hooray for them, but none of this sparks any fresh ideas. I give up, kick my computer, and flop on the couch where I watch TV for a whole week straight without bathing. My wife tries to tempt me into the shower by leaving a trail of M&M's but I’m too depressed to move.

But then on CNN I see two cops marching a handcuffed suspect. It's the standard perp walk, we’ve all seen it a million times. Except this suspect has pulled his shirt over his face to hide his identity from photographers. His fat gut's hanging out and it's pretty gross so I flick off the TV.

Suddenly, like a flash of metaphorical lightning, something SLASHES into my brain and scorches my entire body in a painful yet exhilarating inferno. EUREKA! There's my invention! I sprint to the computer and fire off this email:

From: Ken Hegan
To: Jennifer Hove
Subject: Exciting New Product/Invention

Dear Better Mousetrap People,

I am writing to you People because you are a can-do company that has launched innovative products, such as: Baby Mini Sipper, All My Memories Alpha Snaps, Chilly Stix clip-on freezer packs ("to keep beverages cold without diluting"), and your brand new Dog Buddy mini-gym for dogs.

Today I am pleased to tell you about my Exciting New Invention that will Revolutionize Clothing Trends in the United States and around the Earth.

Here is the problem:

Have you noticed that handcuffed suspects are constantly pulling shirts over their heads to hide their identities from snoopy reporters and TV audiences? This often exposes Unsightly Belly Flab and Back Tattoos. If their shirt won't stretch or is buttoned too tightly, these perpetrators (or 'perps') resort to wearing unsightly bags over their faces when brought into custody. Worse, as you can see in Photo 1--
http://www.usatoday.com/news/world/2004-03-17-spain-court_x.htm
--this undercover police officer is straining to lead the perp AND conceal his own face with his zipped up jacket -- while he is still wearing it!

The result is an unpleasant experience for reporters, home viewers, the police officer, and the perp himself. Nobody looks happy, and both the perp and the police officer are suffering from limited visibility. I bet they can barely see through satin, polyester and cotton at the same time. I can’t. Can you?

My solution?

The Perp Burqa(TM) by Ken Hegan!

Inspired by Afghani veils and children's entertainer Michael Jackson, the Perp Burqa(TM) by Ken Hegan is a simple, stylish, low-cost veil that gracefully covers the perp's head, face, and torso. Simple to use and comfortable to wear, the snap-on one-size-fits-all the Perp Burqa(TM) by Ken Hegan can conceal any face, anywhere: Hell's Angels, Enron execs, Martha Stewart. "Save your face and let the Perp Burqa(TM) by Ken Hegan keep you cool!"

This machine-washable product is aimed at a fast-growing market, Jennifer. According to the US Department of Justice, 2,078,570 prisoners were held in American prisons last year. Between June 2002 and June 2003, the prison population increased by 40,983, a 2.9% rise and "the largest increase in 4 years."

As for sourcing, I’ve found a foreign distributor who retails their basic burqa for $8 US. See Photo 2: http://www.alhediya.com/burqa1.html

Now here's where I need your company's brain power, Jennifer. I challenge the Better Mousetrap People to quickly design me a product development campaign, soup to nuts, from product design to publicity and marketing slogans. How fast can you take the Perp Burqa(TM) by Ken Hegan to market? And what's my percentage when it sells like gangbusters?

Thank you for your tenacity, and I look forward to being filthy rich and famous overnight (unless I get arrested first!).

Rubbing my hands together in anticipation,

Ken Hegan
Inventor of the Perp Burqa(TM) by Ken Hegan

Days crawl by like caterpillars on Tylenol 3. I check my email every two minutes. Still no reply from the Better Mousetrap People. I bet they're beavering away on fashion sketches for my invention! But since I can't let them do all the heavy lifting, I search the Web for Perp Burqa. Success! Not a single hit anywhere. My brand name's up for grabs.

Next I Jerry rig a prototype by sewing together old T-shirts and socks. I pull it on. It feels cool and calming. I model it for my wife who says "that is one punk-ass looking prototype." When pressed, however, she admits that my features are entirely concealed – and she can't even see me smile!

I head downtown to test my product on the masses. I cautiously approach strangers with my hands where they can see them. Then I ask how they feel about the Perp Burqa(TM) by Ken Hegan. Their responses:

"Brilliant! Just when people were saying there were "no more inventors!"
-- Tony Botelho, Program Manager, Cooperative Education

"Wow. It makes me want to commit a crime just so I can wear it!"
-- Chris Nelson, MuchMusic host

"This is truly an exciting invention. Thank you for including me in the early development stages. I hope the first production run will be ready by Christmas."
-- Virginia Ise, busker

"Freak."
-- Kevin, late for work

"Don't stop at the jailbirds. Go where the big money is - celebrities avoiding paparazzi."
-- Hanson Tam, musician

Of course! This gives me another epiphany: the Perp Burqa(TM) by Ken Hegan requires a celebrity spokesperson. Not just anybody, mind you. It needs a reliable celebrity. A trusted actor, athlete, or medical doctor with a famous smile, a soothing voice, and a knowing wink. A seasoned superstar with the wisdom and gravitas gained from a long career of multiple perp walks. A superstar like:

1. James Brown
2. Courtney Love
3. Gary Busey
4. Robert Downey Jr.

Not too shabby. But let's face it, we all know a celebrity who beats the others by a mile: Nick Nolte!

As you can see from his recent publicity photo --
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/mugshots/nolte1.html

-- Nick is kind, intelligent, ruggedly handsome, has a lovely speaking voice, and his most recent arrest was for driving under the influence of a self-administered date rape drug called GHB, a.k.a. G-riffick, Plant Food, and Grievous Bodily Harm. Now, you might caution that Nick is selling crazy with a capital K. I’ll grant you that, but check out his formally buttoned Hawaiian shirt. If anyone needs the concealing benefits of a full-length Perp Burqa(TM) by Ken Hegan, it’s Nicholas "Turn to the Right" Nolte.

So I send fire off this email to Nick’s agent:

From: Ken Hegan
To: Joel Lubin
Subject: Message for Mr. Nick Nolte

To: Nick Nolte
c/o Joel Lubin
Creative Artists Agency
9830 Wilshire Blvd.
Beverly Hills CA 90212

Dear Mr. Nolte,

As I'm impressed by your passion and vision, I'm inviting you to be an Official Spokesperson for an exciting new clothing line.

[This middle bit is where I pitch Nick on the Perp Burqa(TM) by Ken Hegan, plus the foreign distributor who’s hawking the basic black burqa, yadda-yadda-yadda. Then I finish with:]

But why stop at black, Nick? Personalize your Perp Burqa(TM) by Ken Hegan with gang colours, pinstripes, corporate logos, the Happy Face, and more! For a little extra, you can order your Burqa with the air-brushed face of O.J., Lee Harvey Oswald, the Grim Reaper, or Jesus Christ the King of Kings. Emboss your Burqa with fun slogans like "Framed!", "You got nuthin!" or "I'm with Stupid" and a choice of hand arrows to the left or right.

If my time comes and The Man is banging on my door, I know I'd pull one on. And considering your fondness for comfy loose-flowing pajamas, I'm thinking you would too!

Interested? Profit-sharing? Lunch soon?

All best wishes,

Ken Hegan
Inventor of the Perp Burqa(TM) by Ken Hegan

P.S. I feel it's critical for us to launch our Perp Burqa(TM) by Ken Hegan ad campaign before the July holiday weekend. As I'm sure you're aware, crime rates skyrocket during the sizzling hot summer months.

Days and weeks pass by. Hellishly lonely weeks that I'd never wish on anyone. I haven't heard back from Nick, Joel, or any of the inventor support groups. Jennifer from the Better Mousetrap People phones me back, but only to brush me off. She says "we don’t have time to devote resources and time to this right now" and "we don’t think it reflects what we do. We're really getting away from working with inventors. We’d get flooded with calls from people who’ve invented all sorts of things."

I'm starting to realize the dirty truth about inventors: nobody wants to talk to you until you're already rich and famous. I tell my wife I’m a failure before I've begun. Without saying a word, she hugs me until I fall asleep in her arms.

That night, I dream of the inventor of the thermometer, Galileo Galilei (an invented name if I’ve ever heard one). In my dream, Galileo takes my temperature and then tells me "Doubt is the father of invention." I wake up shivering because I couldn't agree more. For if Galileo was right, then I'm about to sire at least a thousand more brilliant inventions. Yes, I have doubts that I'll ever pay off my debts. Yes I fear that I'll never be able to afford children, food, or even a scrapbook to store photos from my decades of debt-plagued agony.

But what I will never doubt is the power of a great idea whose time has truly come. So let me invite you, dear reader, to join me on this glorious quest. If you are a visionary entrepreneur who sees the potential of the Perp Burqa(TM) by Ken Hegan, reach out to me now. Lend me your hand in this glorious pursuit and, if you can spare it, lend me money. For as Ralph Waldo Emerson famously said, "Only an inventor knows how to borrow, and every man is or should be an inventor."

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