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From the desk of J. Kenneth Hegan, Esquire:

Attention: Matthew Mallon
Editor, Vancouver magazine

Dude, I’m a nervous wreck. When I cooked up this sponsor scheme, I was just another cheap slackbutt trying to duck the cost of the wedding. But after months of grueling pimping, I’ve snagged over $20,000 in sponsorships! Sure, it sounds great on paper, but I’m exhausted, feeling huge pressure, and worried that the event is spiralling into an overhyped disaster.

My best man’s badgering me to get strippers to “sponsor” my stag. As for the ceremony, three venues have fallen through now, the wedding’s two weeks away and we still don’t know where we’re getting married! Eleven friends tried to “plus one” their invites, and four female friends are trying to sneak in extras by giving birth at the last second.

Argggh! Have I oversold the party? Do folks think they’re coming to a fancy $200,000 gala with a live band, expensive gift baskets and monkeys bungee-jumping out of hot-air balloons? I’m so stressed, my forehead is erupting. But my pores are being rescued by a goddess at Dermalogica, “the number one professional skin care company in the world!” Dermalogica’s Melissa Daniels graciously said her company would “gladly buff, puff and make you and your bride utterly gorgeous for your nuptials. We’ll give you special facials, manicures, pedicures, massages, bikini-waxing and a self-tanning treatment. You’ll look like you had your honeymoon before your wedding! We’ll treat you to these insanely great treatments through the beautiful Beverly’s the Spa on 4th in their warm, inviting Mediterranean décor.” I can’t wait to visit “Kitsilano’s favourite spa…”

My best friend from university just RSVPed “Plus 10 wedding crashers.” Signing his RSVP Dennis “You better have security” Nukina, he’s also threatening to deliver a PowerPoint presentation starring me as the Campus Drunken Hooligan. Highlights will likely include photos of me kneeling outside that Polynesian restaurant in New Westminster as I repurposed their Bobo Platter.

Now I need sponsored goons to follow Nukina for the night. But my best defence against character assassination is to look impeccably stylish in a sleek tuxedo from The Tux Store. The friendly owner, Won Nam, is generously dressing me, my groomsmen and two dads in gorgeous Perry Ellis tuxedos, shirts, ties, vests and shoes so shiny that I’ll be able to see the envy in my friends’ eyes. Conveniently located on Broadway at Oak, The Tux Store is “Vancouver’s premier men’s formal wear store that prides itself on excellent service and quality merchandise,” and their free try-on service allowed me to experience Won’s amazing service first-hand. Hooray for Won!

Oh, and heads up: I’m sitting you beside my wonderful ex-girlfriend, Diana Frances. She’s a real sweetheart, and I’ve invited her to perform after dinner with her hilarious improv comedy troupe Rock-Paper-Scissors Comedy Creations. They’re going to get some dirt from our families, then roast me with an improv “Wedding Talk Show.”

Diana told my unnamed bride, “Listen honey, I dated Ken years ago, and he broke up with me by e-mail. How friggin’ lame is that?! That’s why we’re doing this gig: I want to be sure he’s off the dating market forever. By providing laughter at your wedding, I’m hoping our comedy will help keep you together—because his dating skills are a joke.”

Freaking out over here,

Ken Hegan
www.voiceoftreason.net

P.S. Don’t you dare sneak Malcolm Parry in, or my bride will kill him, you, me and the cleavage he rode in on.

NEXT MONTH
Ken’s stress just keeps on a-mounting as the big nuptials day creeps ever closer.