My Big Fat (Insert Your Logo Here) Wedding #5

From the desk of J. Kenneth Hegan, Esquire:

Attention: Matthew Mallon
Editor, Vancouver magazine

So far, I’ve assembled 12 sponsors who are saving me $17,000 (!) off the usual wedding sticker price! Did you see me hype them on CityTV’s Breakfast Television? The producer told me it was their highest rated show EVER (she admitted she suspects that, the night before, drunk Canucks fans passed out during the skin flick and left their TVs on all night).

This sponsor scheme is awesome, but I must warn you that harsh storm clouds are brewing. My unnamed bride is getting cold feet. She’s worried that I’ll force her to wear a Canadian Tire sash when she walks down the aisle. Or that I’ll interrupt the vows “for a brief word from Pine-Sol®.” Or that I’ll bounce laser logos off her bridal bum during our First Dance. Where would she get that idea? It’s preposterous.

I’m scared she’ll bail on us, man. But she can’t pull out now! I just snagged the best invitation designer in wedding history. Angela Desveaux at DDVC Weddings is designing me 100 sets of her vivid, funky and stunning wedding stationery. This contra deal includes matching Reply Cards & Envelopes, Place Cards, Info/Direction cards, Thank You Cards, Calligraphy, Table Number Cards, Paper Wraps & Matching Seal, plus a Seating Chart of all our guests and sponsors. Angela says: “Ken, I knew we’d get along just fine when you said you hated decorative cherubs and embossed hearts. EEK! By the way, I’m also getting married in July, and I’m SOOOO jealous of your ingenious huckstering. Saucy Ken!”

But what good are beautiful invitations if my bride’s a no-show? I’m so close to the finish line, I can’t let my sponsors down now! My new strategy: I’ll distract her with sweet and shiny bridal treats. For example, the fabulous stylists at Rain Boutique are graciously offering free makeup and styling for my gorgeous bride and her two foxy bridesmaids. Rain Boutique is an exquisite salon that offers a wonderfully intimate hair experience. Rain’s Julia Brown told me, “Ken, you’re a shameless goat and good for you. Now relax and let Rain’s comfortable environment envelop your bride, to make her time at Rain truly calming. P.S. Are you sure she knows about the laser bum ad?”

Hey, I also found two free wedding rings! Ronda Cavanagh, the goddess who manages El Diamante jewellery store on West 4th, said she’d love to climb aboard my sponsorship gravy train. El Diamante is fun, enchanting and filled with unique designs. I selected two shining gold bands that Ronda claims will melt my lover’s fears and “symbolically unite us in an endless circle of love.” I love El Diamante! Mucho mucho! ¡Estoy en ecstasy!

Then I’ll cascade my betrothed with lovely fresh-cut flowers. My favourite florist, The Flower Factory, is generously donating vivid bouquets, boutonnieres, corsages, centrepieces and room arrangements. Now, I’ve caressed their fuchsia gerbera daisies, and let me tell you: they’re a precious little slice of heaven. The Flower Factory’s Rosanne Bennett told me, “Ken, leave your bride to us. We’ll bathe her in blossoms and dizzy her with knee-weakening blasts of sweet floral fragrance. P.S. Remember, before she tosses the bridal bouquet, she must say, ‘Get ready for The Flower Factory Bridal Bouquet Toss™!’ If she doesn’t say it just like that, the deal’s off.”

Now how am I supposed to trick her into saying that? Know any good tequila sponsors? I’m also seeking complimentary tuxes, limos, belly dancers, honeymoon snorkels & flippers, a big screen TV, a house to rent near Main Street, a friendly brown dog, and (just in case) free marriage counselling.

Nuptially yours,

Ken Hegan
www.voiceoftreason.net

To read the next article in Ken Hegan's sponsored wedding column, click here