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From the desk of J. Kenneth Hegan, Esquire:

Attention: Matthew Mallon
Editor, Vancouver magazine

Dude, we have to move fast. My wedding’s in July, but I can’t afford it without sponsors. Remember our deal: we entice local companies to be my exclusive wedding sponsors, I sing their praises in this column, and you showcase them in a stylish GQ-style fashion spread.

Which reminds me, thanks for suggesting that vodka company. I’d love to serve martinis at the reception. If they sponsor us, let’s call this column My Big Fat Absolut(TM) Wedding. We’ll need taxis, too. I don’t want anyone driving home all Campbell-ized. And let’s get Air Canada to fly my bride’s grandfather out from Ontario (Executive Class). At the reception, I’ll get the MC to introduce him as “Air Canada(TM) Granddad.”

Oh, and I’ll need a fat stack of Vancouver letterhead to follow up with the 95 exhibitors I met at the Bayshore’s Wedding Fair. You should have come, man. Thousands of brides, a billion bridesmaids and maybe 15 guys. I was surrounded by 22-year-old suburban hotties wearing li’l tummy-baring tops. The brides were so young and sweet, even their moms were looking fine. One grinning groom said, “My single friends are stupid not to come here.”

Unfortunately, my fiancée is a total claustrophobe. I had fun, but she wanted to bolt just seconds after paying her $19.95 entrance fee. She had to line up at the Brides Only entrance where they gave her a booklet with 90-plus entry forms for door prizes. The brides had to fill out each form (which took half an hour), then fight through the crowds to stuff them in the entry boxes. Jesus, that was ugly. Think two brides are competitive? Imagine thousands of them, elbowing through a tense, crowded sauna.

I met two potential sponsors at their booths: one was a sweet wedding planner that my fiancée really liked. The other was Henry, a sales rep for a Burnaby DJ service. He said, “I guarantee we can give you a deal. Hey, meet one of our DJs. Ken, this is Enzomatic.”

The climactic fashion show was hilarious. The announcer, Barbara Kelly (former Miss Canada 1967), kept mocking the groom models. “Don’t they clean up nice?” she’d say. They looked so soft and wholesome, my fiancée kept laughing and yelling for a “Dance-off!” The lingerie was supposed to be show-stopping, but all I saw were embarrassed twentysomething models shuffling around in granny nighties and control-top pantyhose. The bride behind me said, “Those are the ugliest clothes ever.”

Our fashion layouts have to be waaay sexier than that, OK? It’d also be nice if you mention the lifelong commitment I’m making to my bride. I spent three hours at the Wedding Fair, and I didn’t once hear the words “marriage” or “love.” On the way out, a mom said, “I didn’t feel a single minute of joy. Well, just one—when I went to pee.”

Anyway, back to my sponsors. In the weeks ahead, these are our priorities: we’ll be choosing a caterer, wedding coordinator, photographer, DJ, flowers, rings, jewellery, bridesmaid dresses, decorations and wedding invites.

Remember: sponsors must be willing to donate or significantly discount their products and services. And no lame stuff either, like 10 percent off “honeymoon consulting”—whatever that is. I want quality product in exchange for quality exposure. So get busy, man! Release the marketing hounds!

Nuptially yours,

Ken Hegan
www.voiceoftreason.net

To read the next article in Ken Hegan's sponsored wedding column, click here