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However, despite this wheezing economy, have you ever noticed that some people, boom or bust, always find the world's sweetest jobs? You know, the really cream jobs that come with power, glamour, status, medical, dental, and free coffee? Like the Consul General gig that former Prime Minister, Kim Campbell, scored down in L.A. Her job description: throw parties for Hollywood film people. Requirements include: tanning a lot and maintaining a lover half her age. Hell, I can do that job!

See, Kim's not working harder, she's working smarter! Kim asked for a sweet job and they gave it to her. Inspired, I gather helpful how-to books on how to get an awesome Kim-style job:

• Get Wired, You're Hired: The Canadian Guide to Job Hunting Online
• The Art of War, the Taoist tactics-for-dummies guide "compiled well over two thousand years ago by a mysterious Chinese warrior-philosopher" named Master Sun Tzu
• Etiquette by Emily Post (now in its 15th polite edition)

I also bookmark www.soyouwanna.com, a Web site that offers valuable job search advice, e.g., how to be a model, how to cure a hangover, how to lie persuasively, and how to write a cover letter.

Of course, I don't want just ANY job, I want the BEST job. So if you're rich and having way more fun than me, then damn it, man, I WANT YOUR JOB.

I take a deep breath, pull on my lucky pants, and get right down to business. Time to get wired and get hired.

From: "Ken Hegan"
Date: Fri, 19 Oct 2001 18:18:16 +0000
To:
Subject: [no subject]

Jimmy Pattison
c/o Maureen Chant
Executive Assistant
The Jim Pattison Group
#1600 - 1055 West Hastings Street
Vancouver, BC V6E 2H2

Dear Jimmy Pattison:

It has come to my attention that you, Jimmy Pattison, have a super-sweet job! You fly around the world in a private jet, attend meetings, listen to people explain why their department isn't doing well, then you fire them. Cool!

Jimmy, you've worked hard and have earned a good rest. Now that your Jimmy Pattison Group is a billion dollar cash cow, why don't you kick back and let me, Ken Hegan, fire some of your 24,000 global employees.

My credentials: I am tall, thin, freckled, and I once broke up with a girlfriend by email. Just like you, I once was a redhead but now I'm as bald as a baby's bottom. So if the firing gets ugly, they've got nothing to grab onto.

My interests: I like firing people in English on Fridays before long weekends. I like short firings on the beach. Hell, I just like to fire people, Jimmy.

I'm really broke so I'd like to start right away. Anybody not pulling their weight? Give me their name and I'll do the first one for free.

Thank you for your consideration, Jimmy. It will be a pleasure being your trigger man.

Have bowtie, will travel,

Ken Hegan

Jimmy's response? Nil.

I couldn't figure it out. I showed initiative, did my research, and demonstrated intimate knowledge of how many employees Jimmy can choose from to fire.

But on the negative side, I forgot to type a subject for my email. Worse, I didn't march into his office and shove him out of his La-Z-Boy. That's the only way to get respect from a guy like Pattison.

Yep, I wasn't forceful enough and, worse, my letter lacked clarity: I forgot to mention that I also wanted his house. Damn.

Regrouping, I set my sights on another BC celebrity, this time someone with a castle worth storming.

From: "Ken Hegan"
Date: Mon, 22 Oct 2001 10:55:20 -0800
To:
Subject: request for Her Honour's title

Her Honour
The Honourable Iona Campagnolo, PC, CM, OBC
Lieutenant-Governor of British Columbia
Government House
1401 Rockland Avenue
Victoria, B.C. V8S IV9

Your Honour,

I beg to inform Your Honour that you, the Honourable Iona Campagnolo, have a super-sweet job! You host soirees, dine with royalty, and live in a T-shaped castle on 14.6 hectares of formal gardens and a rare Garry Oak ecosystem. Plus your boss lives on another continent so she's never around to micromanage you. How cool is that!

Madam, you've served the Queen well and have earned a good rest. Now that you're a grandmother of three, why don't you kick back and let me, Ken Hegan, press-the-flesh on your behalf (starting with the really cute heads of state like Her Majesty Queen Noor of Jordan!).

My credentials: I am tall, thin, genteel, and a proud owner of Mind Your Manners: A Complete Dictionary of Etiquette for Canadians, circa 1953. An alumnus of the prestigious University of Victoria, I'm intimately familiar with the 1931 Statute of Westminster declaring Canada a sovereign state, and also approve Canada's decision to remain in the Commonwealth, a voluntary association of 54 independent states representing approximately 25% of the world's population.

My interests: I like meeting royalty, signing proclamations, and as for public service, I once received a Canada Council travel grant for drinking scotch with Farley Mowat.

I'm really broke so I'd like to start right away. I've checked your social schedule and I am totally free for your upcoming receptions, except for Wednesday nights when I play Duffers Hockey at UBC. Say, why don't we job-share. You take Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, I'll cover the rest plus weekends.

Thank you for your consideration, Madam. I'd love to be declared the new Lieutenant-Governor of British Columbia. God save the Queen!

Your obedient servant,

Ken Hegan, B.A.

Her Honour's response? Nil.

On the positive side, I'd scoured Her Honour's Web site for Her Honour's online tips on how to address Her Honour properly.

On the down side, I wussed out and asked if we could job-share instead of holding firm and demanding her entire job. Now she thinks I can't hack the workload. Plus I name-dropped Farley Mowat, a suspected Communist, a confirmed scotch-guzzler and, maybe most importantly, not the greatest fan of royalty.

Shot down twice, next time I'm going to (1) name-drop BCBusiness, and (2) I'm going to apply for the easiest job yet, considering I already do his job for free.

From: Ken Hegan
Date: Mon, 22 Oct 2001 12:16:43 -0800
To:
Subject: request for Steve Podborski's job title

Steve Podborski
Executive Director of International Relations
Vancouver-Whistler 2010 Winter Olympic bid
#800 - 570 Dunsmuir Street
Vancouver, British Columbia V6B 1Y1

c/o Ian Tait
Director, Community Relations

Dear Steve Podborski:

My name is Ken Hegan and I write for BCBusiness magazine. My assignment today is to find people with super-sweet jobs. And congratulations, Steve Podborski, because you, my good man, have a super-sweet job!

Correct me where I'm wrong, Steve, but you are paid heaps of money to say positive things about Whistler. Cool! I can do that!

Which reminds me: Steve, you have skied hard and have earned a good rest. Now that our 2010 Olympic Bid is a shoo-in, why don't you kick back and let me, Ken Hegan, say positive things about Whistler for you.

My credentials: I am tall, thin, disease-free, have a spotless criminal record, and there is no mental illness in my blood line. Moreover, as many Olympic events will be staged in Vancouver, I am also a close friend (and inner advisor) of the current Mayor of Vancouver.

My interests: I like Alpine Skiing, Biathlon, Bobsleighing, Cross Country Skiing, Curling, Figure Skating, Freestyle Skiing, Ice Hockey, Luge, Nordic Combined, Skeleton, Ski Jumping, Snowboarding, Speed Skating, and saying positive things about Whistler.

I'm really broke so I'd like to start right away. Is there anyone you haven't told about Whistler yet? Give me their names and I'll take care of them pronto.

Thank you for your consideration, Steve. I look forward to working with the entire 2010 team to bring the Games home.

Have toque will travel,

Ken Hegan

On the positive side, I sucked up, saying I want "to bring the Games home", just like they say on the Olympic bid Web site, even though the Games have never been here before.

On the negative side, I lied. The Mayor and I aren't that close. And besides ice hockey, I don't like any of those sports. According to So You Wanna Lie Persuasively, I should have:

(1) practised my lie

(2) inserted details to make my story credible, "especially throwaway details that aren't necessarily relevant"

(3) I should have completely believed my own lie.

Not surprisingly, Steve did not respond to my email.

However, I guess due to the power of the BCBusiness mention, I did receive an email from Sam Corea, Podborski's bag man/security guard, a.k.a. Manager of Media Relations.

From: "Sam Corea"
Date: Tue, 23 Oct 2001 11:24:33 -0700
To: Ken Hegan
Subject: Vancouver Whistler 2010 Bid information

Dear Mr. Hegan

If you are writing any articles about the Vancouver Whistler 2010 Bid, please contact me if you need any background information.

No bid is a shoo-in for 2010...all bid countries will have to submit excellent bid plans to the International Olympic Committee.

Regards, Sam

Sam Corea
Manager, Media Relations
Vancouver Whistler 2010 Bid Corporation
800-570 Dunsmuir St.
Vancouver, BC V6B 1Y1

Note that Mr. Corea does not mention super-sweet jobs, Steve Podborski, or my plans to replace him.

Three strikes so far. My lucky pants aren't working and neither am I. Starved for guidance, I crack open The Art of War and find this pearl of wisdom:

"The individualist without strategy who takes opponents lightly will inevitably become the captive of others."

So far, my opponents have taken me very, very lightly. But according to Master Sun Tzu, this means I will soon take them (and their jobs) captive. It's inevitable!

Reinvigorated, I target a guy whose job I've envied since I was a teen.

From: Ken Hegan
Date: Mon, 22 Oct 2001 18:02:58 -0800
To:
Subject: I need somebody. Hey what about you.

Bryan Adams
c/o Bruce Allen, Manager
Bruce Allen Talent
#500 - 425 Carrall St.
Vancouver, BC V6B 6E3

Dear Bryan Adams:

My name is Ken Hegan and I write for BCBusiness magazine. My assignment today is to find people with super-sweet kick-ass jobs. And congratulations, Bryan Adams, because you, my good man, have a super-sweet kick-ass job! You're a part-time rock star, part-time celebrity photographer, and I can't remember the last time you released an original album. Cool!

Bryan, you have rocked hard and have earned a good rest. Now that Bryan Adams Inc. is a mega-million dollar cash cow, why don't you kick back and let me, Ken Hegan, do your job for you.

My credentials: I'm tall, thin, vegetarian, and everywhere I go, the kids wanna rock.

True, I didn't buy my first real six-string till the summer of '99 but I played it till my fingers bled, am really broke, and would like to start right away. Got any concerts or charity appearances that you can't wait to bail on? Or any hot naked celebrities you'd like me to photograph? If you need a helpin' hand I won't pass you by. Send over the limo and I'll take care of it pronto.

Thank you for your consideration, Bryan, as I can't wait to become you. Will you risk your reputation? I don't know. Think it over, just try to see it my way. The only thing I want, the only thing I need, the only thing I choose, the only thing that looks good on me is you.

Sincerely,

Ken Hegan

Bryan's response? Nil, not even an angry retort from his manager, Bruce Allen. Man, if I can't even get that hothead mad at me, I'm obviously doing something wrong.

I'm starting to suspect these guys own copies of The Art of War, too. On the positive side, I tried to follow Master Sun Tzu's advice to flatter and weaken the enemy by weaving his song lyrics into my letter. On the negative side, I plagiarized Bryan's song lyrics. He probably thinks I'm an unoriginal hack who can't come up with my own cliched lyrics.

Bummed, I flop on the couch and watch the news. First Tony Parsons tells me a bunch of depressing things. Then his sports pygmy tells me more depressing things. But then, at the very end of the show, a rumpled guy assures me that life is dull and ordinary, and that's OK by him. His syntax is so engrossing, I email him this note:

From: Ken Hegan
Date: Tue, 23 Oct 2001 13:47:31 -0800
To:
Subject: Mike McCardell's job. I like it. It's a 'can do' kinda job.

Mike McCardell
Human Interest Reporter
Global News
Vancouver, BC

Dear Mike McCardell:

Just another Tuesday afternoon in Vancouver. A day like any other day. Except today, Mike McCardell, I'm writing for BCBusiness magazine. Today's story is about people with super-sweet jobs. And congratulations, Mike McCardell, you have a super-sweet job.

We find you, most nights, at the rump end of the 6 o'clock news. After the murders and war. And other sad things. But then we see your human interest story. Where you interview a bum. For two to three minutes. You get paid gobs and gobs of money. And how cool is that.

Mike, I was most moved by your story about the lone shoe in the intersection. You said, "Poor shoe. Kinda makes you wonder what happened to his partner. Or if there's somebody walking around with one shoe on."

Mike McCardell, you have worked hard. Earned a good rest. Why don't you kick back and let me, Ken Hegan, interview bums for you.

My credentials: I am tall, thin, and have a rumpled old raincoat. I like Hemingway. And Mamet. And other sentence fragments.

My interests: I am interested in human interest stories. I like talking to people or shoes for two to three minutes. Then I leave them the way I found them. Just like you do.

Mike, I'm broke -- but not broken -- so I'd like to start right away. Are there any bums you haven't interviewed yet? Give me their names and I'll do the first one for free.

Thanks for your consideration, Mike. I look forward to doing your job.

Leaving you the way I found you,

I'm Ken Hegan. On just another Tuesday afternoon.

Hooray, Mike responds!

From: Mike McCardell
Date: Wed, 24 Oct 2001 15:10:06 -0700
To: Ken Hegan
Subject: FW: sure, take it

Dear Ken,

Some days you could have it. But other days I wouldn't sell it for anything. I can only wish you good luck. There are only so many shoes waiting for so many people to discover them.

Mike McCardell

Very cool. My opinion of Mike McCardell instantly rises 1%.

I'm on a roll now. I can almost taste Mike's super-sweet paycheques! But then I get a postcard - it's a photo of a guy skydiving in Indonesia. He's tanned and grinning. Worse, it's my friend Andrew Younghusband, one of those lucky chaps who's perennially gnawing the marrow out of life. Irked, I fire off this email:

From: Ken Hegan
Date: Wed, 30 Oct 2001 15:59:42 -0800
To: feedback
Subject: Message in bottled rage

October 30, 2001

Andrew Younghusband
Host & Narrator
Life Network's Tall Ship Chronicles
Somewhere on the Indian Ocean

Dear Andrew, you magnificent bastard:

Last February, I received your postcard from Pitcairn Island just off of Tahiti. Yes, I duly noted its "tempting green water" and "lush tropical cliffs."

Today I received yet another photo of you having way more work fun than anyone I know. You're skydiving in Indonesia. And you're grinning because (a) it's so hot there, you're tanned, sockless and wearing shorts, and (b) you still boast a full head of hair. How terrific for you, Younghusband. [I also notice you no longer wish I was there.]

Listen up, Gulliver: I'm writing an article for BCBusiness magazine. My assignment is finding people with super-sweet jobs. I suppose you qualify. After hosting the Foodessence TV show on the Food Network, now you're hosting/narrating Tall Ship Chronicles on the Life network. On this reality show, you're sailing the world's hottest oceans on a 179-foot-long sailboat. Your ship left Lunenburg, Nova Scotia in November, 2000 and won't return until June 2002. On your voyage, you'll visit 47 ports of call in 22 countries including Panama, the Galapagos Islands, Tahiti, Fiji, Cape Town, and Bali.

You're a barnacle on my soul, Younghusband.

You gorge on rum, tropical fruit, and coconut milk, sleep with the crew, and occasionally you tape a TV segment for primetime broadcast back home. How cool is that.

What should we do with the drunken sailor? Get you to quit, that's what. Andrew, you have partied hard and earned a good rest. Why don't you kick back and let me, Ken Hegan, get my sorry drunken butt kicked out of tropical bars on your behalf.

My credentials: I was once a part-time lifeguard for spoiled rich kids at the Hollyburn Country Club in the British Properties. My Cub Scout leader once said it was a pleasure to have me in his pack. Plus I have a B.A. in sociology from the prestigious University of Victoria, so I'm well acquainted with loafing, singing sea shanties, and being given the bum's rush from countless seaside dives.

I'm really broke, mate, so I'd like to start right away. Is there a tropical paradise you haven't ruined yet? Give me its coordinates, mon, and I'll hop the next flight down.

Thanks for jumping ship, Andrew. I look forward to being you.

Twisting with envy,

I.M. Ken Hegan

Andrew's response? Nil.

On the up side, I was passionate and heartfelt, because I really, really want Andrew's job. On the down side, nobody respects former Cub Scouts. I should never have mentioned that.

Very depressed now. I steal my neighbour's Vancouver Sun to flip through their classifieds. Scarcely any job openings, and none that I'm remotely qualified for. Then I remember something I read in The Art of War or Etiquette or Get Wired, You're Hired. Or maybe it was So You Wanna Be a Model, I dunno. Anyway, the advice was: "Your dream job is one that you create yourself. Create your own hype and your dream job will follow."

Wow. Suddenly, I have this epiphany: nobody creates hype better than my old friend Mac.

From: Ken Hegan
Date: Tue, 30 Oct 2001 17:20:47 -0800
To: Malcolm Parry
Subject: Your titillating job, sir

October 30, 2001
Malcolm Parry
Society columnist
The Vancouver Sun
Vancouver, BC

Ink-stained wretch wants sweet Parry gig

Dear Malcolm:

KEN HEGAN, the 30-something filmmaker cum freelance BCBusiness scribe, is my name. We've met at numerous Vancouver soirees including The Three Tenors shouting match, where you graciously introduced me to celebrity job hog Terry David Mulligan.

My assignment for BCBusiness today is to find Vancouverites with super-sweet jobs, such as royal flesh-presser Iona Campagnolo, septuagenarian 'auto'crat Jimmy Pattison, 'borne on a tall pirate ship' Andrew Younghusband, Olympics huckster Steve Podborski, and Global's bum- and missing shoe-interviewer Mike McCardell.

MALCOLM PARRY, Deep Cove's party-hopping globe-spotting boob-hound, congratulations my good man, because you have a super-sweet job!

You:

1. find deep-cleaved women
2. booze it up
3. stand on a chair
4. instruct women to mash hooters together
5. snap photo(s)
6. pretend to spell their names correctly, though you likely won't write anything about them
7. leave to Parrydiddle the next party

How cool is that! And with Vancouver's lean & healthy look, I bet the only hard part of your job is finding tipsy starlets with humongous hooters.

Malcolm Parry, you have worked hard and earned a good rest. Now that you're a Vancouver legend, why don't you kick back and let me, Ken Hegan, photograph women's glands on your behalf.

My interests: I like big ones, small ones, fake ones, famous ones, shy ones, and sly ones. Hell, I just like glands, man. Down, Parryscope, down boy!

I am also tall and thin, come with my own tux and flask, and have grafted a martini glass to my eager left hand.

PARRYNOIA: I'm really broke so I'd like to start right away. Are there any Pointer Sisters that you haven't photographed yet? Give me their location and I'll do the first set for free.

Thank you for your consideration, Malcolm. It will be a pleasure being you.

Sincerely,

Ken Hegan

Mac's response:

From: Malcolm Parry
Date: Wed, 31 Oct 2001 14:17:13 -0800
To: Ken Hegan
Subject: Re: Your titillating job, sir

I'm flattened. . .uh, fluttered.

Parry

I have no idea what this means. And based on my failed job search, I clearly have no idea how any of these people got their jobs. I suspect I'm doomed to a life of soul-crushing minimum-wage drudgery.

Wait a second...I, Ken Hegan, just got paid for this article. Sweet job, huh?

-30-

Ken Hegan (voiceoftreason.net) is occasionally a Vancouver writer & filmmaker. His writing has won or been nominated for 23 awards and 4 death threats.