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I narrate the story to some bored boys who don’t believe I once had a full head of hair. In a series of fictional flashbacks, I describe how in 1966 William Shatner exchanged his soul for a magical hairpiece. As he lowers the hair onto his head--BANG!--it catapults him to fame, fortune, and a bed “filled with outgoing, softly-lit women”.

Years later, I help Shatner escape some lunatic fans. As a reward, he offers me cash, cars, women. Instead, I ask for his hairpiece. “With it, I could be the greatest lover in all the world!” I yell.

Shatner agrees, on two conditions: “One...you must return it after two weeks...in impeccable condition. And two...it’s not a hairpiece, it’s a hair system.” He ‘knights’ me with the wig, whips out a power drill, then drills the sideburns into my cheek bones.

However, I soon discover Shatner slipped me a fake lid! Howling for revenge, I break into his lair, steal the real hairpiece, slip it on, and--KAZAM!-- am catapulted into the arms of the Space Babes.

Finally, Shatner chases me to the Utah desert where he hurls styrofoam boulders at me and we wage a climactic battle over his deadly & addictive hair.

The script is based on the play I wrote & performed for CBC, Canada’s national radio network. Other CBC alumni include Lorne Greene, Robert Goulet, and William Shatner [my childhood hero and Canada’s Greatest Working Actor]. When I did ‘SHATNER’ there in 1994, I was performing a flood of plays with paranoid titles like: ‘ANNE MURRAY IS STALKING ME’, ‘JOHN TRAVOLTA HAS A BIG HEAD’ [note: this was measurably funnier before his comeback], and ‘FARLEY MOWAT ATE MY BROTHER’. For those unfamiliar, Mowat is the Canadian nature author whom Reagan banned from entering America in 1985 under suspicion of communist and anarchist sympathies.

‘FARLEY MOWAT ATE MY BROTHER’ worked so well I adapted it for my debut film by the same title. This 8-minute epic about premature fréré loss has now screened at over 30 film festivals from Bombay to Boston. It’s won nifty awards: Best Short Film at both the 1996 American Film and Video Festival, and the 1996 New York Underground Film Festival--which sent me a new pair of shoes.

Toes protected, I knew it was safe to launch my follow-up film, WILLIAM SHATNER LENT ME HIS HAIRPIECE (AN UNTRUE STORY). This would be my masterpiece, the comedy film that would propel me into directing features (I’ve written two).

After months of rewriting and shameless thieving of ideas from my girlfriend, brother, and email friends, in February of 1996 I was ready. The script was tight, funny, and ferociously paced.

How fast is this movie? 188 cuts in 11 minutes, an average of 3.5 seconds and a laugh-and-a-half per shot. By cramming it full of gags, I reasoned that if one joke sucks, hey, a dozen more are on the way.

The seven-day shoot was a chaotic hoot. Check out the scene where Shatner (Gary Jones) falls laughing into the prop bed of Space Babes...and the bed breaks and crashes to the floor. Fortunately, Jones is a brilliant improvisational actor, so he rolled with it and laughed even harder. Unfortunately, so did my D.O.P. (Bumless Ted) who laughed so hard, he shook the camera. Astute viewers will notice a mid-’70s disaster film feel in this shot.

Some production stats:

Actors: twenty

Only one (Maurice, a 250 lb. novice) has been subsequently deported for drug and assault charges. Which, all actors considered, is a pretty good ratio. However, Maurice played the scowling ‘Bouncer’ who hoists me by the biceps, slams me through a door, and tosses me to the pavement. Like a bonehead, I did my own stunts without padding or mats. Luckily, it only took 20,000 pavement slams before Maurice stopped grinning at the camera. I then had somebody drag me to the cooler where, as specified in his contract, I paid Maurice six cases of pear cider.

Wigs: two

I own the $1.69 stunt piece which is a ratty old woman’s wig. An important character in the story, it bravely endured Tribble-like scalp leaps, cliff tosses, and stalking scenes. As for the starring wig, that pristine helmet-like rug and its natty V-shaped sideburns has now returned to its ‘rightful owner’.

Budget: $4,000 (Canadian). In US dollars, this is approximately five bucks.

Excluding numerous donations (legitimate & ‘back door’) and unpaid fines for which I’ll no doubt char in hell. In one scene a cop sees me wearing Shatner’s hairpiece, smiles, shakes his head, then hands me a $50 ticket “for looking so good”. Desperate for a prop, I grabbed a $25 parking ticket from a BMW. When I returned, hours later, the BMW was gone. Then the actor took the ticket back to Toronto as a souvenir. Though the fine increases exponentially over time, he still refuses to give it back. Hopefully, the BMW owner will chuckle at their surprise donation to the arts when the cops kick in his/her door.

Noticeable Continuity Gaffes: plenty, if you’re quick

Marvel as the latex alien ear changes sides of my head. Thrill as a man’s arms change from Caucasian to Native Indian in a single scene. These became part of the parody since STAR TREK was rife with flubs e.g. Kirk’s facial wound leaping from cheek to cheek in ‘THE ENEMY WITHIN’ episode.

Composer: one

Ari Wise, gifted musician. As part of his composing degree, he actually took a course on how to copy a musical style, alter it slightly, and not get sued. I was particularly attracted to the ‘not get sued’ part.

Editor of the Year: Tyronne L’Hirondelle

Master of comic timing. Watch for his strobing, peyote-drenched, laughing-skull-in-the-desert sequence.

World Premiere: 1996 Vancouver International Film Festival

Sold-out shows, rave reviews. If you’re a STAR TREK fan, you’ll love this tribute. And if you hate STAR TREK, you’ll really love this satire.

Number of Copies Sent to Mr. Shatner’s Agent: one

Mailed it months ago. Haven’t heard back. Meanwhile, I’ve become great friends with Farley Mowat who’s invited me to lunch at his home. Hopefully, Mr. Shatner and I will forge a similarly warm and prosperous bond.