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Page 1, point 1: READ THIS PAMPHLET.

Say, there's good advice. Make a note to yourself to read this pamphlet as soon as you've finished reading this pamphlet.

Point 3 lists items you should keep at your work station to prepare for an emergency, in apparent order of importance: 1) MEDICATIONS, 2) FLASHLIGHT AND BATTERIES, 3) COMFORTABLE SHOES, 4) FOOD ITEMS.

How did 'Comfortable Shoes' rank higher than 'Food items'? A word with the judges, please. This contradicts Maslow's Hierarchy of Human Needs. Now what were those again? #1) is FOOD, I know that. #2) is SAFETY. #3) is BELONGINGNESS AND LOVE, whatever those are. #4) is either ESTEEM or PUBLIC TRANSIT, I'm not sure which. Then comes #5), COMFORTABLE SHOES.

EMERGENCY FIRST AID PROCEDURES

-ENSURE ACCIDENT SCENE IS SAFEWhat's safe about an accident scene? It's the scene of an accident. Somebody got hurt. You can't turn back time. If you could, you wouldn't need this pamphlet.

BOMB THREAT REPORT CHECKLIST

In the event of a phoned-in bomb threat, the pamphlet suggests you ask the caller: #1) WHEN IS BOMB GOING TO EXPLODE? and #3) WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE? Answers worth knowing. Question #5) DID YOU PLACE THE BOMB? is a pretty personal one to be asking a mad bomber, but I see the relevance. However, Question #6), WHY?, is absolutely naive. If the bomber said 'yes' to #5, then you can bet your comfortable shoes they placed the bomb to blow us up. That's what bombs do: they go 'boom'. That's their job.

Question #7) WHAT IS YOUR ADDRESS? For what? So we can mail it back? Send a thank you note? No, no, no. Start slowly. Find out their favourite colour. What's their father's last name? Get to know your bomber.

In the section Callers Voice, we're asked to choose either:

-DISGUISED

How would you know it was disguised unless you knew what the person's voice normally sounded like? Maybe you know more about this bomb than you're letting on. In that case, no need for a bomb threat report. You already know what it looks like, where it's going to explode, and can hand-deliver the thank you note once we've all signed it.

-or FAMILIAR

See 'Disguised' above.

Under Bomb Threat Language, one of the choices is INCOHERENT

How would you know it's a threat if the caller is incoherent? Imagine the conversation: "What? Psalms? There's no psalms here. What? We don't have any bonds, either. No! Hanging up now, bye."

In case of EARTHQUAKE, we're told what to expect:

"...shattered glass and strong drafts, toppling of free-standing cabinets and bookshelves... people are often thrown uncontrollably off-balance."

'Uncontrollably off-balance'? As opposed to controllably off-balance, where your body is ricocheting off walls and ceilings, but in complete control like Bruce Lee?

Pointers for DURING THE EARTHQUAKE:

Point 1: "Stay where you are."

Point 2: "Do not use elevators; If you are in an elevator, you are probably better protected than most--the elevator will not fall down the shaft, and nothing heavy can fall on you."

Hey, I'm sold. The rest of you suckers can quiver under your desks, but if I feel even a pickup truck rumble down the street, clear the track for Eddie Shack, I'm jumping my divider and racing to the elevator.

Then there's AFTER THE EARTHQUAKE: "Be prepared to stay overnight or perhaps longer"

Sounds like management wants to weasel illegal hours out of us while we're all still stunned and uncontrollably off-balance.

The last earthquake advice is WHEN CAN YOU GO HOME?

"Permission will be given after the worst fires are under control...this may happen quickly, or it may take some time (perhaps 72 hours or more)."

Let me get this straight: permission may come quickly, or it may take some time. Hmmm, now there's a firm order. Might pay attention to it, but then again, I might not. But I might. Can I think about this for a little while? It may take some time.

Look, let's face it. If I escape this towering inferno, no way am I hanging around this secret government office for three days just because some grandstanding firefighters like an audience when they hose off charred remains. Call me at home: I'll be working on my resume.

After EARTHQUAKES there's one final category of disasters called SEVERE WEATHER CONDITIONS:

"An announcement will be made regarding closure due to severe weather conditions."

What Vancouver weather conditions might those be? Severely overcast skies? Savagely light breeze? And even if the gods could somehow conjure up some West Coast weather condition other than drizzle, why boot us out of a warm, dry bunker, into some wretched, howling storm?

On the other hand, if Planet Earth spun off its orbit and rocketed towards the sun, and all we could see out the atrium windows was a flaming vortex of tree stumps and melting cars...well, at that point, outside, inside, I see no difference.

If that's the case, I'll be in the elevator, snacking on my Buster Browns, and reading my helpful pamphlet.

-30-

Published:

The Vancouver Sun, April 23, 1994

The Globe and Mail, January 27, 1995